Life coming at me

Occasionally I feel like I should blog about something substantive, as if my two cents might contribute some small something to the wide world of the Web. I guess maybe that's why I rarely blog, much less blog about important stuff, because I don't see what difference it makes.

At the same time, I think in some ways, this is a sign that I have lost sight of something I once loved dearly: Writing, just for the fun of it. I think part of this came from college essays sucking the creativity out of me by forcing me to subscribe to some certain format or a specific type of rhetorical criticism (Neo-Aristotelian was a particularly bad one).

But I really believe another, larger, part has to do with me.

I recently read a post on the Relevant Message Boards that posed this question: "Why do our lives not look the way we want them to?" And this question sort of set me to thinking. My response was that, for me, it's because being the way I am is easier than becoming the way I want to be.

The problem with this is that becoming so satisfied with the way I am is causing me to live a life that lacks passion and desire. Sure, I have things I want or would like to do, but it's so much easier to just continue the same old, everyday routine.

Lately I feel like God has been trying to pull me out of this. In some points I am providing a good amount of resistance; in other areas, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. I am having to rethink what's important to me, and that's not the easiest thing in the world. I am also having to determine, really for the first time, what I actually want my life to look like. For a long time, my life has been defined for me: Daughter, child, softball player, smart kid, college student, grad student. Now it's time for me to define me, and that's sort of scary and exciting at the same time.

I want to read books like I did when I was a kid - for the enjoyment of it and to learn.

I want to write and re-learn how to use my written words to express myself.

I want to spend time outside and enjoy nature and take pretty photos.

I want to be a loving, supportive friend who pays attention to what's going on in the lives of my friends rather than overlooking it when it's convenient.

I want to learn how to live on a budget so that I can actually save money toward things I want and not waste so much money on stuff I don't even need.

I want to be more aware of what's going on in the world.

I want to be an open, transparent person who can commit herself to friendship without expecting something in return.

Like I said before, God has been working on me. It's already started. I need prayers and support to be open to what he's doing. I can see that this is the time in my life when this needs to happen.

I don't understand your ways
Oh, but I will give you my song
I give you all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
And with it you are pulling me closer,
Pulling me into your ways

So around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking,
Frantic believing
That the sight of your face
Is all that I'm needing

I will say to you...

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all

-"Worth It All", Rita Springer