It's amazing how the phrase "God, what did I do to deserve this?" can be turned completely on its head in the matter of a few months.
I don't want to go into messy details, because they're really not important, but several months ago something really bad happened to me. It made me not want to trust anyone, including myself. It devastated me emotionally. I really felt as if my life had crumbled right before my eyes, and I had no idea if I would be able to reassemble it.
I remember very specifically asking over and over again, "Why? Why did this happen to me?"
But, amazingly, less than six months later, that same situation that seemed unfixable is better. Not just better, but better than it was before this horrible thing happened. It has not been easy, not a single step. I feel like I have been stretched to my limit and tested in ways that never would have even occurred to me. I have come to a deeper understanding of me and of love and grace and peace and even dependence.
And cries that were once desperate have turned joyful. I ask "Why? What did I do to deserve this?" And it's good.
I'm not joking.
4 months ago